My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
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Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄