Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave