Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes