BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
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Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.