Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man