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Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.