Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise