Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
You Might Also Like
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*cough*
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Google Pay be like:
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Tough love is true love
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]