Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
i dont have time for this
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨