I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.