Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
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When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.