11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
You Might Also Like
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL