“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Oh, I bet you would be
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.