Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
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I unironically love this joke.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.