Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
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Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong