[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Worst bar ever.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
yes… yes…
Otters drive ottermobiles.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
set yourself free xox
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.