Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
bias laundering edition
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule