[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
no!! no!!!!!!
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Every work meeting this week
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?