Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
the clam before the storm
seems like a niche market
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27