I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I have so many questions.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
“You’d better run, egg!”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.