What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.