holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
They did not miss in the small print
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?