It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
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My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I needed a laugh this morning.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.