My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Stop making fast and furious movies.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here