so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations