Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
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Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30