Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
mood
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Autocorrect is my menesis
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.