Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
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the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I hate my earbuds.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.