Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….