Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.