I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
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My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Ron is short for Aaronald
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.