Why is everyone getting married at me
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ready to be harvested
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this