“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended