List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
You Might Also Like
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
how to have fun when you’re poor
sugar glider wrangler
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.