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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it