Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
You Might Also Like
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Smooooooth
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.