I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.