Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…