My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.