Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.