♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?