me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
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son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Bloody internet 😳
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”