Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
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Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.