Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math