I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
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Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Made something I’m not proud of
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.