[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
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I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician