My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Fiction has to make sense.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!