If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.