Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
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Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I hope they boil the right one.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.