roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.